Skinny Shaming to Fat Shaming

I am one among the many who have stopped going for family gatherings because of body shaming. Yes, me!

Allow me to reintroduce myself. I was born in the month of October, on a rainy day. I do not think there was anything remarkable about my birth except for the fact that I was born! A healthy baby girl born into this world that brightened many people’s lives. I am sure about the ‘brightened’ part because my mother lost her first child and with much prayer and anticipation my family was waiting for me. When I was a toddler, I was happy go lucky, chubby, and cute. Nothing exciting here as well.

I guess it all starts from here on.

Fast forward a few years. By the time I hit my teens, I was quite tall, but very skinny and by skinny, I mean, very. I never thought this was a problem. The world did (obviously). Everywhere I went, be it the church, marriages, family gatherings, or even when people showed up at home, the first question asked was ‘ne onnum kazhikunnille koche? ellum tholumanallo ne’, which translates to ‘Aren’t you eating anything child? You are barely skin and bones.’ The comments were not merely aimed towards me. The next target was always my mother. She was constantly asked this question, ‘Ne evalkk onnum kazhikkan kodukunille’ which translates to, ‘Aren’t you feeding her?’ It never stopped here. The conversation would always follow with a list of possible things that would help me put on weight including consuming ghee, soup made of goat’s head, sesame seeds soaked in water and the list goes on and on. There was always an offer from the so-called well-wisher aunties. They would tell my mother, ‘ivale ente veetilekk vidu oru masathekk, ne nokkikko eval engana vannam vech varumenn’, which means to send me to their houses, and it seems that they would feed me good food and help me gain weight. My mother never attempted this atrocity. She should have, to shut their mouths!!!

In the beginning years, it seemed quite alright. When people said things like this, it looked more like out of care and concern. It started to get on my nerves as this was the only conversation people preferred to make when they got to meet me. I cannot even imagine my mother’s plight during my teenage with all these ‘overly-concerned’ people around me. From getting physicians to conduct full body check-up and blood work (the results being normal, as always), to ayurvedic doctors prescribing awful, medicated ghee and herbal drinks and to psychologists evaluating if gaining weight had something to do with my mind, my mother tried every possible way to figure out what was ‘wrong’ with me. I used to detest my visits to all the doctors despite feeling perfectly healthy. I am sure the people around me bullied her into finding out what was ‘wrong’ with a perfectly healthy child (who looked ‘unhealthy’). Despite all the efforts of my mother, did anything work? No! If I remember right, I weighed 35 kgs for close to five years during my early teenage and when I was around 17 years, I took a ‘leap’ to 38 kgs. All that revolting ghee must have done something, I do not know.

I agree on something; I used to look anorexic.

When I finished school and went to college, nothing in terms of my weight changed. My classmates used to mock about my looks and my weight, but they did not really offend me. The torture was when I attended family gatherings. It more or less seemed like everyone who came for the gathering was there to look, judge and dole out free advice on weight gain. I would have been happy if they were within their limits, but they never did. Yes, they are family, and their intention would not have been to hurt my mother or me (I believe so!), but it did hurt. Gradually I stopped attending family gatherings. People in my family who knew about this told me to ignore what others said about the way I looked. It was never easy. It was not pleasant to hear the same thing over and over and over again. The questions, ‘Is everything okay with you?’, ‘Why aren’t you eating anything?’, ‘Why do you look so thin?’, ‘Is your mother starving you?’, ‘Are you consuming air instead of food?’,’ ‘Look at your younger sister, she is healthier than you’, and the sarcastic statements, ‘Hold on to something when the wind blows so that you don’t fly away’, ‘Being skinny might be in fashion, being anorexic like you is not’, ‘You look way worse than malnourished’, ‘Stay skinny like this and you are not going to find a boy to get married to’ made me sick as days passed. I avoided people as much as I could.

Though I tried to avoid family gatherings, I still heard these questions from someone or the other every day. Life was hard. Being a skinny girl and living in Kerala was a challenge. Though I take pride in my culture, I hate the fact that majority of the people in India have a culture of being nosy about their neighbours’ business. The older they are, the more they feel that they have every right to comment about anything and expect the younger folks to treat it as the word of God. As the younger one and as a girl, I was expected to listen to nasty comments about my body weight without any retorts.

Within a year of my master’s degree, I moved to the United States and decided to start my life fresh. Life was not easy in the initial months. When you leave behind everything and everyone you love, it takes a toll on you. It did for me as well. I had to get used to the American accent, culture, lifestyle, and I had to make new friends. Everything fell in place in due course of time. I felt independent, started driving and got a job. I made friends and my academic scores were great. For the first time in my life, people (mostly Americans) were not too concerned about my weight or looks. In fact, several of my friends wanted to know how I maintained my size zero. People in America, who dedicated time and effort to stay fit and healthy, appreciated the way I looked and constantly reminded me of how beautiful I am. My life in the US did not stop me from being in touch with my kith and kin back home. Whenever I used to call my relatives, one thing never changed-body shaming. The conversation would start with a ‘hello’ and would continue with this sentence, ‘ninte puthiya photo kandarunnu, ne Amerikkakku poyittum vannam vechille?’ which translates to ‘I saw your new photo. Even after moving to America, why haven’t you put on weight?’. This was the same reaction from friends and family in India when I put a picture on social media. This used to make me sick. Many a time, I was tempted to scream over the phone saying that I moved to America for my studies and not to put on weight.

Life was alright in terms of my size zero figure for those years except for the times I met an Indian family every now and then. Though the frequency of being body shamed reduced with the shift from one continent to the other, it came into significance when the whole process of arranged marriage came into the scene. I was twenty-six and barely 40 kgs. My family started worrying about the possibility of men in the marriage market rejecting me because I looked ‘malnourished’ in the eyes of an Indian. Just as they feared, it happened. The two proposals that came for me got rejected because of how skinny I was. I remember one of the guys mentioning that his mother did not like the fact that I was skinny and hence he did not want to proceed. Though anticipated, when it really happened, I was heartbroken. I tried my best not to let it affect me. I believed that I am God’s creation, and I am made in His likeness and image.

Fast forward to this day. Did I find a man? Yes, I did. In fact, I found a man who loves me the way I am. It did not bother his parents or him as to how I looked. Fun fact, my father-in-law did not even care to see a picture of me until the marriage was fixed and I find myself fortunate to be part of a family who only cared about what I am and not how I look. For my in-laws, I am perfect, just as how it is for my parents. (I mentioned about me finding a man not because marriage is everything in life, but because being extremely thin and the possibility of finding a man was my family’s biggest concern.)

Err, I think I drifted away a bit from the whole topic of me looking anorexic. Yes, so despite being ‘unhealthy’ looking and weighing 40 kgs, I did get married. Did that stop people from commenting about my weight? NO! I was bothered every now and then. But did I outgrow this nonsense? Yes, I did. I started to care less. I moved on with my life. My husband and I started to build our little kingdom of happiness and joy and fast forward to a year and half of being happily married, guess my weight!!!!

I am 60 kgs.

I was not really bothered to check my weight and so I had no clue about this weight gain until the day I found this out and I was in utter shock. Even though all my life I wanted to gain weight; this blew me out. Looking at a mirror and realizing that I weigh so much more than what I was all my life, I started to panic. Suspecting that the sudden weight gain could be related to any health concern, I rushed to the doctor and got it checked. Everything was alright. The doctor even suggested that my weight gain could possibly be due to a happier and relatively stress-free life situation I am in. If so, all thanks to the husband dearest!

It took me time to adjust to the ‘healthier’ looking me that everyone longed to see. By now if you have a feeling that everyone who bothered me with questions and suggestions stopped their commenting business, you are mistaken. Everyone who see me these days in person, over video calls or see my photographs have a new set of advice ready. It starts with ‘maintain your weight at 60 kgs and do not let it increase further’ and goes on with the list of foods I should avoid so that I do not put on more weight, and the free advice to join the gym and work out. Like, really?  The funny part is that majority of the folks who advise me are overweight, have all sorts of health issues and who rarely does the things that they suggest me to do.

If you had the patience to read through all this and have successfully gotten to the end part, this is all I have to say. If you are someone who have ever faced any of these or similar situations in life, try to stay calm and ignore what others’ say. It is not easy. I could not, but you can, and you should! If you even feel that being skinny is a problem, please know it is all about being healthy, even if you look skinny. If you are overweight and that bothers you, please realize that you are beautiful the way you are and nothing else should concern you. If you are ever bothered by the statement that you will not be able to find a partner just because you look ‘skinny’ or ‘obese’, take the courage and speak out. Tell the folks that this is not the end of the world. What is for you will come in search of you. If you are completely ignorant about staying healthy and eating healthy, perhaps you should keep in mind that a heathy mind lives in a healthy body.

To summarize my rant, mind you, do not comment on people’s shape, size, weight, looks, appearance or for that matter, just think before you talk. It hurts to hear such things and it stays as an ache forever. So, don’t!

*mic drop*